My daughter-in-law and her mother are two people I don't understand at all. They are very different from me. They have hurt me very much, hurt my son, and my grand daughter. I don't even know if they're aware of the pain they have caused.
In addition to many losses in our family when my sons were small, including both the deaths of their father and the death of the man I would have married had he lived, I was also stalked. A psychiatrist called it the "Jackie Kennedy Syndrome." Being a fairly young and attractive woman and mother, it was sad and rather shocking, perhaps enticing to the stalker, drawn to the darkness of this drama.
So, in addition to the deaths, the losses, I was stalked. I held out as long as I could, parenting and working to the best of my ability. When my youngest son went to college, as the psychiatrist predicted, the stalking got worse. I was terrified. My sons were scared, too. One was on the East coast, and the oldest on the West coast.
It was perhaps a poor choice, but one can't judge choices in a time of terror. I chose to go to the West coast, where my son was finishing college. Not yet understanding the reach of the stalker, I thought my family and I could reconvene, build a new base. It was quite embarrassing and awkward for him, but he stepped up to the plate and tried to be there for me. It was not an easy thing for a young man to try to help his terrified mother. He tried, bless his heart.
He had many beautiful girls he dated at college . He is to this day, handsome and smart, amazingly kind. Being scared and under stress himself, he bonded very intensely with a smart young woman, who appeared somewhat distant and controlling. At the time, she had an intact family in Southern California. A few short visits allowed me to see all was not well in paradise.
My son's current mother- in- law
boasted how she would go for weeks, even months, without talking to her husband when she was annoyed at him. My son's father in law was an incredibly hard working man, who had provided well for himself and his family. Finally, after three months of his wife's not talking to him, he walked out the door. He left her two houses, all the monies he'd worked for, and took his social security check back home to South America. There, he met a sweet and loving woman.
Meanwhile, the former wife in LA became the "victim." Now, instead of blaming and using her husband, she blamed and used my son. Her daughter told me that her mother had taught her how to manipulate men. So, together, they manipulated my son, made vulnerable from all the losses he'd experienced in life, including my stalking and its resulting medical issues. He must have been terrified: a young man alone in the world, with no dad, a brother on the East coast, a stalker in his home city, his mom on the run. Anyone less strong would have fallen apart right then and there.
I would like to be able to say we hunkered down, bonded, and all was well. Unfortunately, the stalking followed me cross country. The stalker had thugs beat up my son on the East Coast, and I was in continuous fear and confusion. I had a medical emergency and the medication given to me resulted in seizures which damaged 75% of my heart. I was terrified and sought help where I could, but there appeared for many years to be no refuge. My son clung more and more to his girl friend, who became his wife. She and her mother ruled, dominated every holiday, and left me out. They didn't provide support and succour. The mother of all holidays, I was left out, alone and afraid.
The daughter- in- law told my youngest son in college that I was crazy. I suggested she call the Chicago psychiatrist, a well-respected, reknowned psychiatrist. She didn't. She persisted in the crazy theory. It terrified and alienated my youngest son, who floundered, also alone in the world.
On a brief visit to her mother's house, I told my son's mother-in-law what I was going through. I said I appreciated her being there for my son. I, in her position, would have nurtured and cared for a young person. She used him. I also on that visit told her alcoholism runs in both sides of my family. My brother had died of drugs and alcohol at a young age. My mother was in a long term abusive marriage, which destroyed all our lives, for alcohol kept her too weak to fight back. My five times married sister was also an alcoholic. The mother in law laughed in my face. She then poured my son a tequila and had him join in a shot contest. He, too, became overly dependent on alcohol.
Once in Chicago, I tried to make up for the chaos, hunker down, and help my son and daughter in law. I know many people in the city, and many were trying to give me and my family support. My daughter -in- law took this opportunity and advanced her career. She hosted events and left me out. She got pregnant, had a baby shower to which she invited my friends, and left me out. Yesterday was my beloved grandchild's fourth birthday. I was left out, as I have been for all of her birthdays. I am left out of all holidays, birthdays, events.
In a few moments that he can grab now and then, my son finds a bit of time for me to spend with my grandchild. Even though the visits are short and infrequent, the child and I have a bond. I'm a very loving and sensitive person. I'm a social worker and poet, after all. Kids pick up on and connect with loving souls. She loves me and needs me in her life, for my capacity to love. Her mother is controlling and my son obeys her. The child has been punished too much for too little. She has been punished since she was a baby.
My son's wife and mother in law are from South America. I don't think this has anything to do with my lack of understanding of them. I think it's about life priorities. They are impressed with the folks my son and I know in Chicago and the doors opened to my daughter-in-law and new people she herself has met. They are impressed with the beauty and elegance of this city. My daughter in law has had a series of high profile big paying jobs. They live well. She and her mother appear to like that.
They never celebrated holidays with reverence: no faith, no Christmas tree, no Easter lily, just tequila. Gratitude is not high on their lists. Arrogance appears to be. They are pretentious people in a very real city.
Had a woman been in the tough straights I'd been in, I'd have opened my heart and arms to her. I would have had a watchful eye on her son, not encouraged his drinking, not demanded all his time. I know me. I would have behaved differently.
The little girl? I would have allowed her a babyhood. I would not have demanded adult perfection.I would have rocked her, hugged her, wiped away her tears, rather than punishing her for them.
They've hurt me, these two. They've hurt my son and my grandchild. Perhaps they understand themselves, but I don't. They are not foreign to me because they're from South America. They're foreign to me...simply because their human priorities are so very different.
